Summer 2012:  In a summer that saw the vicious return of great white sharks to Cape Cod, it seemed inevitable that an avid swimmer like this author himself would soon encounter the great beast.  And so to he would fall the onus of saving civilization itself.

Proudly presenting the tale of the mighty encounter, written in its original form (with the help of Brad Hoffman and Alex Blumberg), in all caps to emphasize its truthiness:

I WAS BUSY MOVING BOULDERS, LAYING THE LAND, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SPEARFISHING. I SAW A FAMILY OF SEAL PUPS PLAYING JOYOUSLY IN THE SHALLOWS, OH, THEY WERE MAGICAL.

THEN ABROAD IN THE DISTANCE I SAW A TERRIBLE SIGHT, THE LONG FIN OF A MASSIVE GREAT WHITE SHARK. INSTANTLY I STABBED THE SPEARGUN THROUGH MY HAND, A SMALL SACRIFICE TO DRAW THE BEAST TO THE SCENT OF MY WARM BLOOD.

I SWAM FORTH, STOPPING ONLY WHEN I STOOD BEFORE THE GREAT PREDATORY FISH. AND ALMOST GRACEFULLY, WE BEGAN TO CIRCLE ONE ANOTHER, KNOWING WE WERE DRAWING A RING ONLY ONE OF US WOULD ESCAPE.

A NATURAL AGGRESSOR HE LUNGED, AND I SWUNG AT HIS NOSE, THE BEAST’S GREAT WEAKNESS. HE RECOILED AND INSTANTLY PREPARED FOR ANOTHER CHARGE. AS HE SHOT TOWARDS ME I HELD MY BREATH AND DROPPED BENEATH THE STOMACH OF THE MONSTER, A REVERSE OF THE SPRAWL MY TRAINING HAD PREPARED ME FOR. INSTANTLY I FIRED THE SPEARGUN INTO HIS GUT, BUT RETREAT I DID NOT.

GRABBING THE SPEAR, I THOUGHT ONLY OF A MORE INNOCENT KIND AS I WITHDREW THE METAL SHAFT AND REINSERTED IT, AGAIN AND AGAIN, WITH ALL THE FORCE MY BREATHLESS LUNGS COULD MUSTER. FAITH FOR MY VICTORY WAS ALL I COULD AFFORD AS THE SALTY SEA TURNED TO A BLOODY RED. FINALLY I EMERGED FOR SWEET BREATH… BUT IT COULD NOT BE AS SWEET AS THE SIGHT OF THE SEAL PUPS, JOYOUSLY EMBRACING OUR VICTORY, AS THE MARAUDING MONSTER FLOATED DEAD AND DEFEATED OUT TO SEA. AND AS THE PUPS CIRCLED ME WITH A SONG OF THEIR OWN, MUSIC OF A MORE HUMAN NATURE REACHED MY EARS; CHURCH BELLS WERE RINGING UP AND DOWN THE COAST OF CAPE COD, A LIBERATED PEOPLE CELEBRATING THEIR FINAL VICTORY OVER A TERRIBLE FOE.

With help from Brad Hoffman and Alex Blumberg